We need to stop telling women they lack confidence and pay attention to what's really happening. Do some women lack confidence? Yes. Is it holding them back in their careers? Probably. But is how women behave misunderstood by largely male senior leadership teams?
Time and time again women are told they need to be more assertive which is frustrating if you don’t feel like you particularly lack confidence and you’re happy speaking up for yourself. How are women expected to catch up with their male peers with the generalised feedback that “you need to be more confident”? What does that really mean and what can women do about it?
In The Atlantic’s much-discussed article titled, “The Confidence Gap,” the authors (ABC News reporter Claire Shipman and BBC World News America anchor Katty Kay) wrote: “Yes, women suffer consequences for their lack of confidence — but when they do behave assertively, they may suffer a whole other set of consequences, ones that men don’t typically experience. Attitudes toward women are changing, and for the better, but a host of troubling research shows that they can still pay a heavier social and even professional penalty than men do for acting in a way that’s seen as aggressive. If a woman walks into her boss’s office with unsolicited opinions, speaks up first at meetings, or gives business advice above her pay grade, she risks being disliked or even — let’s be blunt — being labelled a bitch. The more a woman succeeds, the worse the vitriol seems to get. It’s not just her competence that’s called into question; it’s her very character.”
Maybe we just can’t win?
Lack of confidence or a healthy dose of humility?
So what behaviours indicate that women might be less confident?
● Listening over talking?
● Caution over risk-taking?
● Humility over self-promotion?
Are these actually signs of a lack of confidence or just the hallmarks of more thoughtful, considered behaviour? What behaviours do we really value in the workplace and is it time to take another look at what it takes to be a successful leader?
In her article “Humility: A Quiet, Underappreciated Strength” for Time Magazine, Maia Szalavitz writes “humble people tend to make better employees and bosses. But because the typical (American) workplace tends to reward self-promotion over humility, such modest types may have a tough time making it to the top”
Is there a confusion between humility and a lack of confidence? Are senior leaders mistaking an understanding of one’s own strengths and abilities for a lack of confidence? Is the ability to listen while others speak and make room for the ideas of others being mistaken for an unwillingness to put oneself forward?
Further on in the article, Szalavitz shares the link between humility and helpfulness and adds “In a culture that increasingly rewards self-promotion and essentially punishes those who refuse to engage in it, humility seems endangered”
You need to “man up”
“To get ahead in your career you need to have more confidence in yourself and your ideas” Women get this advice more than men.
“Women are regularly exhorted to demonstrate self-confidence as a strategy to progress their careers, raise their pay, and become more successful at work. Self-help guides commend women to “lean in'' to reach their goals, “stand their ground,” make strong eye contact, attune their voices, postures, and gestures to come across more assertively, and “fake it ‘til they make it.” Women have to do all this while balancing on a knife edge the need to remain likeable/warm by appearing unintimidating, unforceful, and un-domineering. While confidence is an ostensibly gender-neutral concept, our research found that confidence is not just gendered — it’s weaponized against women'' Darren T. Baker and Juliet Bourke “How Confidence Is Weaponized Against Women” Harvard Business Review (October 2022)
When they interviewed 30 male and 36 female executives in the UK about their career trajectories, the research found that women were far more likely than men to be held back at work by a perceived lack of self-confidence, indicating that the concept of confidence at work is more gendered than we might think. The advice on how women can get into roles or levels they have historically been excluded from is “lean in”, “speak up”, and stop apologising. Don't send any messages that you are somehow less.
"When women fail to achieve career goals, leaders are prone to attribute it to a lack of self-confidence. When women demonstrate high levels of confidence through behaviours, such as being extroverted or assertive, they risk overdoing it and, ironically, being perceived as lacking confidence. No matter the outcome, women’s lack of career progression is blamed on them, an attack they share with other underrepresented groups. This leads women to beat themselves up, which can weaken self-esteem and, in a downward spiral, further erode self-perceptions of confidence” Darren T. Baker and Juliet Bourke “How Confidence Is Weaponized Against Women” Harvard Business Review (October 2022)
The message women are told over and over again is that being more confident will help you appear more professional, be taken more seriously and you’ll be more likely to succeed. In short, be more confident but not too confident.
Changing the narrative
The narrative puts the responsibility on women and tells them that it's their character that’s holding them back. For women, confidence in the workplace is a balancing act. If you behave like a woman, you’re not confident enough, you’re clearly not cut out for a leadership role. A woman behaving like a man risks alienating the team because she’ll be labelled as aggressive or difficult. We’re walking a tightrope of trying to project the right amount of confidence whilst not appearing aggressive or overdoing it.
It’s not a question of capability but one of recognition. If you look at someone’s performance outcomes [by asking], did they make good decisions and were they on time? Were projects on budget? Those things are quantifiable, rather than “You should just be more confident”.
Do women-only leadership training programmes reinforce these stereotypes? Are there some behaviours that are acceptable from a man but not from a woman or vice versa? If not and you agree that leadership behaviours cut across genders, why have programmes where the focus is on women correcting behaviours?
We don’t just need to start dismantling the structures in society that put women at a disadvantage. We also need to take a good look at where we as women are feeding the machine. Imposter syndrome isn’t a female problem that needs to be fixed. In our culture, there is still a large mismatch of expectations for each gender, and we need to drag it out into the light where it belongs and keep talking about it.
Let’s stop perpetuating the myth that women need to act like men to make it a man’s world. We don’t. We need to be ourselves. Caring, listening, with the ability to be vulnerable and create safe spaces for others to share are all the hallmarks of successful and courageous leaders.
I’m Amanda Owen Meehan, a Career and Leadership Coach who helps women get clarity and control over their careers to be more fulfilled and successful at work. If you’d like to know more about how I can help you achieve your career goals, you can reach me by email at amanda@wearereadytorise.com or drop me a direct message here on
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