Growing up, were you ever taught that someone else's success took away from your own? That there was only so much success available and that once it was gone, you’d missed out. Like success was somehow a pie where there were only so many slices to be had and that we were all fighting for our share?
But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if the journey didn't have to feel so lonely and isolating?
We know about the mansplainers, the low-key harassers and the plain underminers that women face at work. But what about women supporting women? Why don’t we do more of that? What if supporting other women helps everyone? Because I believe it does. I also believe I know how we can make it easier to do, for both men and women.
Five reasons women don’t support other women
So where is our sisterhood and why are women in senior roles not champing at the bit to help their junior colleagues climb the ladder behind up? In her article,” Why Women Don't Always Support Other Women”, Dr Shawn Andrews says there are five reasons it doesn’t happen or is at least a challenge.
The dead-even rule
The first reason is the so-called “power dead-even rule” which states that in order for a healthy relationship to even be possible between women the power and self-esteem between them must be dead even. If the power balance is disturbed, for instance if one of the women is promoted over another, other women may talk behind her back, ostracise her from the group or belittle her. According to Andrews this behaviour often happens subconsciously, and women may not even be aware that they are doing it, she believes that societal conditioning is a big reason why women sometimes do not support other women.
Emotional intelligence
Other reasons include emotional intelligence with women at more senior leadership levels displaying more male-specific EQ competencies, such as assertiveness and confidence. These women may sometimes display less female-specific EQ competencies, such as interpersonal relationships and empathy. If a female leader places less value on relationships, she may not spend time developing those crucial relationships with junior women.
"This is also called the Queen Bee Syndrome, when women behave in ways more typical of men to display toughness and fit in. For women at the very top, part of their success is convincing men that they aren't like other women” Why Women Don't Always Support Women
It’s crowded at the top
The third reason is competition for space at the top. This can happen when there are fewer females in an organisation or fewer females in leadership roles.
The “Work it out for yourself” attitude
Women face obstacles in their career and corporate environments. Dr. Andrews suggests that because of what it took to get there, some women’s attitude toward other women is "I figured it out, you should too."
In addition, executive women are often put upon with daily duties and responsibilities and haven’t got the time to mentor and support young women.
Women are less valuable at work
Dr. Andrews' final suggestion for why women struggle or refuse to support other women at work is based on the idea that patriarchal workplaces have socialised employees into believing, and consequently behaving, like women are less valuable based on power, privilege and status. In workplace cultures that are more masculine, it makes it difficult for women to genuinely support each other.
How to be a woman who helps herself and other women
What could the workforce look like if everyone behaved differently and why is it so important that we are proactive about the way we encourage, develop and support women in their careers?
1. Network up, down and sideways
It can be easy to focus networking efforts on those in positions above you. After all, aren’t these the people who can provide you with the most tools and resources? However, there are two big problems with this. Many top positions are still held by men. If we are moving toward a more progressive world, the women at and below your level in the workplace will be the future of your organisation. If women are doing well in general, it boosts the likelihood of you doing well.
2. The Feminist Fight Club
Why not make your commitment to supporting other women’s careers explicit and form your own FFC, what author Jessica Bennett calls a group of women that meet to talk about career advancement strategies and fighting workplace sexism.
“It was a fight club—but without the fighting and without the men. Every month, the women would huddle in a friend’s apartment to share sexist job frustrations and trade tips for how best to tackle them. Once upon a time, you might have called them a consciousness-raising group. But the problems of today’s working world are more subtle, less pronounced, harder to identify—and harder to prove—than those of their foremothers. These women weren’t just there to vent. They needed battle tactics. And so the fight club was born” Jessica Bennett, Feminist Fight Club
3. Draw attention to the domestic work of the office
Who gets coffee and orders sandwiches? Which employee organises birthday cards and cakes? Who gathers money for gifts? These tasks are all work, but it's work that won’t get you a bonus or promotion. You won’t get recognised for it in a performance review “Well done on choosing all those leaving cards Sandy, great job” It doesn't earmark you as a rising star or one to watch. It’s a job with no recognition, reward or measurable benefit. Women tend to volunteer for more office housework and are under more pressure to do it.
The solution? Take the volunteering out of it and make it a matter of turn-taking. If you can implement a system for assigning these tasks on a rotating basis, generations of women that follow will be forever grateful.
4. Don’t fall into the gossip trap
We love to gossip - bonding by creating an inside group that’s momentarily pitted against an outsider. And while it’s true that women are great at being on the lookout for coded language like “difficult,” “drama queen,” “emotional,” “demanding,” etc. that type of language might suggest that something else is going on. If the men you work with keep dragging a senior woman down, what does that say about their view of women in leadership roles? Maybe seek out her friendship instead.
4. Signal boosting
Women amplifying each other in meetings - reinforcing the female voices in the room and combating he-peating. He-peating is where a woman makes a suggestion or voices an idea that is first ignored only later to be repeated by a man who is then congratulated and celebrated. In short we need practical ways to spot when this is happening and escape the trap
5. Women supporting women at work build each other up
As your career develops, you’ll have the opportunity to help build up the women who are coming up behind you. Unfortunately, people can still have implicit biases against members of their own identity group. As you move into rooms where decisions are made, be careful of selecting only people who “look the part.” Take a new woman joiner for a coffee - their names and projects are more top of mind when it comes time to put people forward for opportunities, promotions or awards.
Anne Welsh McNulty, former Managing Director of Goldman Sachs discusses her early days as a rookie accountant expecting to find sisterhood in a male dominated industry. Instead, what she observed was a total lack of communication between the women in her workplace that resulted in her being the sole remaining female in her intake.
“Of the 50 auditors in my class, five were women. All of us were on different client teams. At the end of my first year, I was shocked and surprised to learn that all four of the other women had quit or been fired” Anne Welsh McNulty, Don't Underestimate the Power of Women Supporting Each Other at Work
McNulty says that because the women weren’t sharing their experiences, challenges or what was going on for them they were unable to overcome the obstacles individually. They hadn’t realised the power of working together.
“As I advanced in my career, I hosted women-only lunches and created open channels of communication. I made it a point to reach out to each woman who joined the firm with an open-door policy, sharing advice and my personal experiences, including how to say no to doing traditionally gendered (and uncompensated) tasks like getting coffee or taking care of the office environment………………The lunches were essential, providing a dedicated space to share challenges and successes. Coming together as a group made people realise that their problems weren’t just specific to them, but in fact were collective obstacles” Anne Welsh McNulty, Don't Underestimate the Power of Women Supporting Each Other at Work
Women need other women on their side. Whether it’s sharing experiences, tips or advice, having an open-door policy, lets normalise female allyship and promote workplaces where women champion each other. Whether for good or bad, cultures tend to replicate themselves. Changing the culture with and for the women around you can make your workplace one in which women thrive, rather than just survive.
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