I’d like to take you through some quick fire do’s and don’ts to help you find the communication style that works for you and help you get your voice heard at work. For you, for your career, for the benefit of the business and for the benefit of other women - what helps one of us, helps us all. you ever been in a meeting where you’re the only woman in the room and you want to make some kind of a comment, but you think, “Okay, I’m not going to say that, because it sounds stupid” And then a man says it, and everybody thinks it’s completely brilliant and you’re really mad at yourself for not having spoken up. Or is that just me?
Are women being more polite and careful? And is the combination of being raised to be polite, listening to other people’s ideas leading to a lack of security and confidence? Are women too often doubting themselves and wondering “Is this something I’m even competent to discuss?”
Women tend to doubt themselves much more than men and in the process our voices are not being heard. Women often struggle to find what they think are the right choice of words or tone of voice. We constantly have to juggle the desire to convey an idea while avoiding being misinterpreted as arrogant, pushy, or too assertive. Society still doesn’t make it easy for women to speak up without fear or worry about how we will be judged or perceived. Frustratingly, the same standards do not apply to men.
What happens when women speak up; the business impact
You don’t have to speak all the time, or every time, but you do have to accomplish what you’re supposed to be accomplishing as a female leader and get the stuff that matters done. So how do women strike a balance? How do we speak so that others will listen?
In her book ‘Playing Big’ Tara Mohr dedicates an entire chapter to empowering women in “reclaiming ownership of their words” and makes several observations about women’s communication styles, especially in the workplace:
“Most women I know feel great pressure—sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious—to say what they really want to say, while also adhering to feminine norms of being nice, ever flexible, ever conciliatory, ever calm.”
And if you are in any doubt as to why women leaders voices need to be heard, recent IBM studies show that since 2019;
The pipeline of women for leadership roles has gotten smaller
Fewer women are in senior VP, VP, Director and Manager roles
There has been no change in the number of women on boards and the C-Suite
Gender inclusive companies that prioritise the advancement of women report as much as 61% higher rate of revenue growth compared to other organisations
According to research done by Oxford Economics when asked “Why haven’t more women been promoted into leadership positions?” the answer was “Even though there is abundant evidence that gender-diverse leadership is good for business, an overwhelming majority of organisations globally say advancing women into leadership roles is not a formal business priority” which is staggering considering the research also shows “organisations with more females at the top outperform their peers”
Changing the current state affairs is going to take a multi pronged approach. The research and the evidence is there. Organisations that prioritise women's advancement perform better but even though we have that evidence very little has changed over the last five years to respond to it. We can’t wait for society to catch up with what we already know. So, what can we do? I’m not here to tell you to correct your communication “weaknesses”. But there is no doubt that subconscious communication behaviours can undermine your confidence and knowledge at work. There is also no “best” communication style for every workplace interaction; there are only effective ways to communicate with confidence and credibility.
How you can develop your powerful communication toolkit
I’d like to take you through some quick fire do’s and don’ts to help you find the communication style that works for you and help you get your voice heard at work. For you, for your career, for the benefit of the business and for the benefit of other women - what helps one of us, helps us all.
Avoid these………
Using ‘disclaimers’ in conversations and email; “This may be way off, but…” “I’m no expert, but…” “I’m just thinking out loud, here…” prefacing your opinion with disclaimers. They diminish whatever follows. Instead turn a dismissive qualifier into a simple, neutral introduction like, “Here’s what I’m thinking” or “Here are my thoughts on this.”
Hedging; “just”, “kind of” “almost” “sort of” etc. can make us appear apologetic or unsure when making an important and valid point. Think of this request “I’m just curious when your report’s going to be done. I’m a little worried that we won’t have it for the meeting tomorrow . It’s kind of important to have it finished. Maybe you may want to ask Jane for help” Now, take out the hedging words “When’s your report going to be done? I’m worried we won’t have it for tomorrow’s meeting. It’s important to have it finished. Do you need to ask Jane for help?”
Rambling; there isn’t always a need to explain the entire backstory and it can be seen as rambling rather than getting straight to the point.
Always saying yes; instead be selective. When you say yes it means saying no to something else.
Becoming invisible; out of sight, out of mind. One to avoid if you hope to be recognised for your impact or taken seriously for advancement.
Downplaying your achievements; don't minimise your contributions or dismiss compliments by attributing success to others or luck. Avoid starting statements with “I’m just’” when talking about accomplishments.
Trying to change too much at once; If you know you’ve fallen prey to any of these undermining habits, Tara Mohr suggests focusing on one habit at a time. Pick the one you want to eliminate or reduce first and start there. She suggests picking a speech buddy—a friend or colleague you can team up with to keep each other in check and accountable. Mohr also suggests recording yourself; there’s no replacement for hearing and seeing habits first hand.
Try these………
Take ownership; Don’t offer your option in the form of a question. Speak directly and use “I” statements “I think” “I recommend” etc
Start with the headline; When delivering arguments or opinions lead with your conclusion and then if required, follow up with explanation and process.
Know how and when to say no; use your values and priorities to know when to say yes to best serve yourself and your organisations. Take time to consider and offer alternatives if appropriate
The Power of silence; use the power of the pause rather than seeking to fill space. Have you heard the phrase “let the silence do the heavy lifting”?
Stand out; set yourself up for the next opportunity by letting others know who you are, what you’ve done and what you want to do next.
Accept compliments; In his book “The Big Leap” Gaye Hendricks has a great exercise for learning how to accept compliments with grace whilst at the same time acknowledging the compliment giver for their feedback, it's worth checking out.
Remain yourself; you’re not trying to change your personality; you’re simply tweaking the way your (valid and well-formed) messages are received by your audience.
Effective communication isn’t about forcing your opinions on others or being the loudest or most confident in the room. From what you’ve read in this blog, hopefully you can see that confident communication is sometimes as much about what you don’t say, as what you do.
Throughout your career it is likely you will find yourself in the same room or space as people who are overly assertive and domineering. As your career progresses you will be communicating with more senior team members and you will have less of their time. In every instance what you know will not be enough on its own. You need to be able to get your point across, quickly, clearly and with confidence. This is something we can all get better at and a skill you can develop like any other.
I coach and support women who are new to leadership or who want to step into leadership roles in the future. If confident communication skills are something you need help with; whether it's interviewing, presenting to senior stakeholders, or you simply want to get your ideas across more powerfully I can help.
Get in touch by booking your free consultation call or email me at amanda@wearereadytorise.com
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