Does niceness trigger feelings in you and I’m not talking about good ones either?
Years ago, a friend of mine was talking to me about a telling off she’d had from her boss. She was responsible for pulling information from different branches of the business across the UK and had a strict deadline to compile all the data and create a report for stakeholders. One branch manager in particular used to ignore her emails and calls. Getting information from him was like milking a stone. As this particular deadline approached and he still hadn’t submitted his information she sent one last email. She laid out his obligations to provide the information and let him know that if he hadn’t submitted it by 5pm that day the report would go in without it. She also made it clear that questions would be asked about the missing information.
His response?
He sent the information to her boss. Along with a suggestion that he speak to my friend about her “tone” and “attitude”. Her boss duly had a word with her. She was livid. She was trying to do her job and he was not doing his. So why was she the one who ended up getting told off?
In her article for the Huffington Post, Alena Papayanis says….
“Women in particular are socialized to be nice from a very young age, encouraged to ignore our own needs and put those of others first. “Ask nicely” and “be nice,” we’re taught as young girls, and so we learn that our words, when expressed honestly — or simply matter-of-factly — are rude. Causing discomfort is bad, we’re told, but it’s OK to have to swallow our own; in fact, it’s something we should come to expect”
What my friend took from this incident was that it was part of her to be “nice”. And that even though she had expressed her needs honestly and matter of factly, she had been perceived to be rude. On this occasion had being nice enabled her to get the information? No. Did being nice make him see the potential consequences of that report being submitted without his data? Sure didn’t.
Working with women leaders as their coach I find that the issue of niceness in the workplace comes up a lot. Usually followed swiftly by issues around boundaries, respect, and communication and even safety. Through these conversations I’ve come to the conclusion that niceness is a big problem for women at work.
The cost of nice
What’s my problem with being nice??
To avoid confusion I’m supportive of service, empathy and kindness. I value courtesy and want to help others but let's be straight that this has nothing to do with ‘nice’
If the cost of niceness is inauthenticity, weak connection, inequality, burnout and weak results then quite frankly, I'd rather you weren't so nice after all.
To use Alena Papayanis words again…… “Niceness is dishonest and avoids confrontation, whereas kindness is honest but often uncomfortable”
Why is nice such a problem for women at work?
From internalised misogyny, perpetuating outdated stereotypes and the disparity between the progression of men and women into leadership roles, here are some of the ways the over emphasis on being “nice” harms women in the workplace;
Discrimination
We're reinforcing the existing dominance and excluding those that don't fit the mould. The constant pressure to perform to a character type puts constraints on innovation and creates huge blind spots. These might be small differences, but they add up over the course of a lifetime or career - from job interview competency through to social cues and they carve a deeper divide that leads to inequality in opportunity, promotions, income etc.
Gender Inequality
The standards we hold for ourselves are not applied equally across genders. People presenting as female carry the invisible weight of expectations. Women are socialised to be nice and put the needs of others first. Young girls are implored to “ask nicely” putting the comfort of others ahead of their own. Do men have more room to set boundaries and give their opinion? Yes, they do. Male leaders are seen as ‘strong’ when they are overly assertive bordering on rude. When women demonstrate the same behaviours and they’re called a “bitch” and ‘difficult’.
“Women leaders face a difficult challenge because if they are too successful then they face social isolation in the workplace. It is often expected that women leaders are maternal, nice and people pleasers. Those that aren’t are described as bossy, ambitious or difficult” Emily Turner, “Women in leadership — why is being nice valued over honesty?”
Overcommitment
Trying to be nice often means that instead of saying no, we end up taking on too much which then backfires. We say yes to too many things, letting people down and in the process creating a reputation for flakiness. All this does is erode trust and makes it even harder for women to be taken seriously or progress their careers. We need to ditch being nice and start being honest.
Staying safe
Women often end up ignoring red flags from a misguided sense of ‘niceness’ or to make people think better of us. A workplace culture that demands niceness, especially in women, makes it unsafe for us to call out problematic behaviour without facing the threat of aggression or violence. We accept hugs we don't want, tolerate 'compliments' that make us feel uneasy. Niceness is putting women in very real danger and continuing to serve toxic workplace cultures.
Lack of Progress
If you want to transform something you need to think big and bold. Any idea worth having is going to offend or exclude someone at some point in time. Women have generally been conditioned to avoid conflict and confrontation and it’s not unusual to want to avoid upsetting or alienating their colleagues (or Managers). We’re often afraid that in doing so we’re risking our prospects when in fact not doing it risks diminishing your potential for impact in your career.
Nice is bland. Nice is boring. Nice is afraid to offend or upset anyone or leave anyone out. Put it like that and it doesn't sound like such a great gig. The worst thing about nice is that it's not even valuable to your career. Nobody gets promoted because they’re nice. No-one sits around a boardroom saying, “Maybe Linda would be perfect for this role, she's really nice”. When you don't speak up in meetings, challenge the culture or assumptions your chances of making progress diminish. Transformational change is rarely nice. Would you put the word nice in a strategy, vision or mission? If not, why do we keep it as a value that gets in the way of women's careers??
I offer 1:1 coaching and support for women who want more from their careers. Does this sound like you?
● I want to progress at work, but I’m fed up with getting nowhere fast
● I’m serious about my career but climbing the corporate ladder isn’t my idea of success
● I know I need support with my career, but I'm not sure if coaching is right for me
Not sure where to start? Book a free call and let's work out a plan that works for you.
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